I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
