glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Randomize
