Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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