I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
You are the jesus of drinking
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
