My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
