I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
