i don't plan on having that self control this summer
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
