rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Randomize