shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Randomize
