I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
they need to just BURY HIM!
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
He passed out mid-signature
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
