hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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