There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
