omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Randomize
