I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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