Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
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