I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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