Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
