I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
