Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
