Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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