Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
