i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
