I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
