Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
my liver is dry heaving
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