It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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