Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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