May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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