The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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