If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
