all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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