Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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