I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
