Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
