It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
