Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
