Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
