I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
