I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
