i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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