Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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