Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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