Me. At least after what I've been through.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize