So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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