OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Randomize
