Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
You're breaking my sexual little heart
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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