i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
