I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
