Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
