hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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