you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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