You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
