someone get that fucking seahorse.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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