I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Randomize
