I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
