I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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