Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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