i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Randomize
