Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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