I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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