I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
