I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
