Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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