If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I skipped work to stalk him.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
