there's paper in my vomit.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Damn victory sex feels great
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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